On Identity

I'm gay. There, I said it. I've known it all along, and except for a brief period of awkward uncertainty, I've come to love this aspect of myself... despite people's preconceived misconceptions about me based on this single fact. I wouldn't say I'm closeted - I'm out to all my friends, a hell lot of not-my-friends-but-acquaintances, and part of my family (though I'm pretty sure the other half is convinced of the truth, or at least suspicious about it). I know who I am, and I'm proud of it.

I don't, however, know how to identify myself to others. Yes, I'm gay; but I'm also a Christian, which goes against being gay. To complicate things further, I'm also Pakistani, which goes against my being BOTH, gay AND Christian! So arises my dilemma - I know who I am, but what do I tell others who I am? My sexuality goes against my race and religion - theoretically, I should be beheaded (or at least stoned to death) and be burning in the eternal fires of hell right now! Or so I'm told, at least.

Speaking of fire, let's add fuel to it. I suffer from regular bouts of depression and loneliness, which many brand "emo". Yet at the same time, I'm supposedly a "social butterfly". I'm a narcissist who's known to have self-image problems, a writer with writer's block and one-dimensional-thinking, a very intelligent person who's known to be terribly naive and has made some of the worst decisions, a singer with limited musical talent, an academic genius who's physically incapable of doing any "real work"... And on and on it goes.

So you see? I'm a lot of words. It's only understandable then that I get confused in my search for identity, and am always at a loss for words when someone asks me to tell them something about myself. It's in those few silent, awkward moments that all these words shoot through my head like a meteor shower, and I' m ultimately inevitably dumbfounded, and at a loss for words (which really is surprising as I seem to have accumulated a whole bank of words over the years!)

I hope one day I will be able to answer the more important question; who am i? It's only myself I am answerable to, and the correct answer to this question would be everything above, and none of it. For everything I wrote here is true, no matter how paradoxical it may seem - all my flaws, my strengths, and things that are neither, but just are, they're all part of me. And that's exactly what they are, part of me (keyword being "part")!

I don't let myself get branded by one particular label, because it's not just that label that defines me. Yes, I may be gay, but I'm also a thousand other things. Preconceived misconceptions based on, say my sexuality, are therefore unjustified. My gay gene, if there indeed is such a thing, makes up only a tiny percentage of my genome after all.

And while I may be no closer to finding the answer to that ever-impending and equally perplexing question, I take solace in the fact that I am me.

And that no one is, or ever can be.